All I See is RED

What a fucking day for Manchester United. I woke up like any other Saturday during the season; immensely hungover and scrambling to turn on NBCsports in time. What I turned on could not have been better if I dreamed it. I was in heaven, and all I was seeing were Red Devils.

Before the game even tipped off, I got a glimpse from the tunnel and emerging from it was a tall, dark, and handsome guy in a suit that costs more than my yearly salary. RAPHAEL VARANE IS A RED! United fucking did it. They suck you back in just when you’ve had enough. I thought they completely bottled the Varane saga of fucking up visas and whatever else, but bringing him out in front of a capacity crowd was absolute MADNESS! The scenes were majestic. The feeling was euphoric.

Rolling Reds

Now, to talk about this game. United are ALL the way back baby! The game started well against Leeds, and despite a somewhat mundane Starting XI, you could tell United were up for the game. The passing was crisp, the runs were darting, the ideas were creative. This game never seemed a doubt. United got in front through our Magnifico and French Prince. In the second half, the team hardly put a foot wrong despite a wondergoal from some Leeds player I don’t care enough about to look up. Everything United tried worked, and worked well. The stars were out, and put out a statement.

As with most NBC broadcasts, the commentators mentioned Paul Pogba and his reluctance to extend his contract yet again. Despite NBC trying to showcase his off-pitch drama, Pogba was all business. This man was on another level. My guy had 4 ASSISTS and ran the midfield. At the end of last season, we were beginning to see “National team Pogba” but today he arrived.

I’d be remiss not to mention Bruno here. Anytime you score a hat-trick you’re a hero. If you do it on the season opener? You’re a goddamn legend. If we have to pick favorites, its gotta be the lob from Lindelof. If I try a half volley coming from behind me, thats crashing into Jeff Bezos’ weird dick-shaped rocket in outer space.

I’m a little too excited now, but United smashed 5 on opening day so let me live.

Calmer Heads Prevail

I took a break in the middle of writing this so I could gather my thoughts. Cooler heads prevail so now time for a more calm, reasonable, and realistic section of the blog. UNITED ARE WINNING THE TITLE BABY!!! On the real, Leeds are prone to get a 6 piece mcnuggets meal put on them any time they play, so you could say this was a little expected. I think United have much more to offer as the season goes on. Imagine taking this team, who have added another year of playing together and meshing, and inputting Varane, Sancho, Rashford, and Cavani all at different stages in the season? This could be the beginning of something very good. Manchester is RED.

GGMU

Oh. One last thing. Despite all this good feeling, don’t forget Dan James “played” today. That guy turns to silly putty in the final third with his decision making and execution.