Everyone is to Blame at Manchester United

We're Fucked

Every season I find myself astonished at the lack of basic comprehension skills exhibited by Manchester United’s front office. I am not joking, somehow they find a way to fuck up even worse than the previous season. It’s truly a remarkable run of form. This year is no exception to the rule as just about everything is falling apart, and United’s campaign is only in its 3rd week. The front office is nothing more than a group of incompetent, overpaid, self-aggrandizing fools. I can only hope the future is better than the past 10 years.

Man, United Messed Up Another Manager

ETH is on Death’s door. Just two short weeks into the season and United on the pitch look more like a group of poorly trained individuals than ever before. I’m going in on everybody in this blog, but in descending order from who is least to blame. Erik Ten Hag came into the Club in May and has been handed zero tools. I was convinced he was the guy, and even though the two games have been utterly miserable to watch, I’m not sure he should lose his job before his contract is over.

Exactly what he taught this team, I am unsure of because there is no resemblance of measurable improvement from the prior year. Somehow, opponents are able to make the pitch seem larger than the gaps between Ronaldo’s teeth.

My God that is one ugly mug

Passing is all over the place, creativity is seemingly at an all time minimum, and defending is somehow worse than the end of last season? What the hell ETH. I thought you could teach football.

Man, United Players are TRASH

Admittedly, this is probably the hardest realization I’ve had to make. This team is easily worth over $500m in transfer fees, so why in the hell does everyone suck at playing soccer? At least 70% of the first team is not good enough, or does not care enough. I have my theories on why everyone sucks, and I’m going to share because sharing is caring.

First off, there are players here from the past 4-5 managers who still have a place in the team. How in the world is it possible, I have no clue. Luke Shaw was a bust about 2 years into his United career. How he is still a starter almost 8 years from his signing is appalling to me. Maguire was a Solsjkaer purchase, Martial under Van Gaal, Lindelof and Bailly from Our Dear Leader Jozay, and de Gea from Fergie. The squad has no coherent identity because every player was promised a different vision.

Secondly, these players are on MASSIVE contracts. Look, I’m not some boomer in the corner saying players shouldn’t get paid, but clearly United give huge contracts to talent that has been less than impressive after signing. When you add in the human aspect to this, of course players would not be as hungry to win and perform if they are content getting massive paychecks. This is clearly a job, and that’s fine, but you shouldn’t just mail it in after you get a raise. That is unforgivable. They must think it’s ok to lose and not give it your all because the direct deposit hits every 1st and 15th of the month.

Thirdly, these players might just actually suck, and are not worth their transfer fees. I hate going in on the players, but maybe some of them aren’t talented enough. McTominay is not a starter for a title winning team. Maguire moves with the grace of a freight liner. Rashford couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn door. Luke Shaw is fat. The list goes on and on. The only player I reserve judgement on is Sancho because hes cool and young, but even he’s on thin ice. At every position, there are glaring holes in the respective player’s game.

Luke Shaw is a THICC boy

The Front Office

These people are dumb and terrible at their job. I legitimately don’t believe neither Richard Arnold nor John Murtough would make good janitors at this point. This dates back to Woodward and co. but every transfer window has been shambolic for Manchester United. The front office replays the hits every year. Pay exhorbant fees for middle-aged to old players, give them a huge contract, and be shocked when their performance dips. It’s insanity truly.

This window United have failed on Frenkie De Jong, Adrien Rabiot, Antony, Darwin Nunez, Yves Bissouma, Marcus Cunha, and Koulibaly. I’m not even sure any of these players would work out at United since the rot is so deep, but to miss out on so many targets is hilarious. The front office has no leverage in any deal they enter into, and EVERYONE knows it.

Most recently, United are trying to lure Joao Felix and Casemiro away from their respective clubs. Why in Sir Matt Busby’s name would either of those players want to come here? Casemiro just won his 5th Champions League with Real, and Joao is good and young. The only reason they would come here is for HUGE wages, and so the cycle repeats itself.

The Owners

I hate the Glazers, you hate the Glazers, and finally the media hates the Glazers. These old, balding, ugly leeches have sucked enough money out of the club for their personal gain. Rumors have been ramping up in news outlets about hopeful takeovers. Let me tell you: it’s not gonna happen. The Glazer’s are greedy, and to even think of a share-buyout, the takeover premium would be dollars above the current share price. The current market cap is at $2.0B so you can imagine the Glazer’s won’t hand over those precious Class B shares for anything less than $3B. That’s just a payout to the shareholders, not even considering the infusion needed to steer the ship in a better direction, which could easily be another billion dollars.

Only a Private Equity firm could takeover Manchester United, which seems unlikely in the short term given the Glazer’s affinity for cash dividends. Everyone in the United organization can shoulder blame for this travesty, but none more than the Glazers. Hope is a terrible 4 letter word, and I think I just lost any I had left.



EDIT: Elon Musk is a madman without a plan. Maybe this time he has a plan. Do it and become a legend, Mr. Musk.

I have hope again. Hello Darkness, My Old Friend
About JR 58 Articles
A glimpse inside the mind of an over-reactionary, over-invested, and highly-sarcastic American Red Devil. P.S. I'm not here to argue.

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