Ranking Manchester United’s Next Manager

Dead man walking

The writing is on the wall… I think. I honestly have no clue anymore. Apparently in 2021, you can underperform and get your shit pushed in by your most bitter rivals and live to see the next game, but you cant lose at home in your shiny new stadium to Man United. Such is life I guess. Honestly, I have no clue what United are doing, and neither does anyone else – including Woodward. Given United have a lack of vision, I will offered my unprovoked analysis to you, Ed Woodward (if you still even have any say). No one knows when this is coming, or if it even is, so I apologize in advance for getting this extremely wrong.

Brendan Rodgers YOUR Manager? God No.

Fuck. This. Guy. I can’t express how bad of a decision it would be to hire Brendan Rodgers. Literally who is this guy. I think he managed a sub-par Liverpool team for a few years. Oh and he won the league with LesterTM right? Right?! Surely he won the league with that improbable team, which would make sense for United to pursue him. Oh damn I forgot he didn’t win the league with LesterTM instead he’s just coached a mediocre team to mediocre results year after year. I suppose Lester could be worse off, they could be Tottenham or Arsenal. But yea, if you need any more convincing of why he isn’t the guy, buzz off. Fuck Brendan Rodgers.

Brendan Rodgers explains why he snubbed Tottenham interest to stay at  Leicester | Evening Standard
what an ugly mug

Zinedine Zidane MY Manager? Eh Maybe.

Our White Whale. Er-hem, MY White Whale. It almost makes too much sense that it should happen, so after taking this into consideration, it most definitely won’t happen. He knows too many French players. He has won too many Champions League’s. It simply makes TOO MUCH SENSE.

What a beautiful man

Zidane, for all intents and purposes probably has a short shelf life if he were to ever join. You can’t expect that high profile a manager to last long, but that’s expected. You bring him in for 3 years, and you need immediate results. He gets one season to see what he’s working with, and then he should be winning the next season. The days of having the same manager for 28 years are over, and that’s not a bad thing. Zidane, you sweet bald bastard, you make too much sense for this disaster of a front office, and for that reason, I’m out.

Ten Hag Our Manager? Why yes!

I don’t even know if that’s I spell your name, but the chances you read this are so infinitesimal I’m not even bothering to look it up (JK I did). Who are you. I have heard of you, but I have not met you… yet. Every day passes and I am increasingly more intrigued by… You.

You "Everythingship" (1x07) promotional picture - You (TV Series) Photo  (41605439) - Fanpop - Page 9
If you know, you know

Honestly though, I have no clue who you are. Ten Hag manages Ajax, a team that for some goddamn reason sold us their most promising talent just to sit on the bench for 2 years straight. You have won two titles with them, and famously made the Champions League Semis, before losing to a mighty Madrid team. You most recently nullified Dortmund’s dangerous attack and kept a clean sheet against the scariest 20 year old Wonderkid/Viking named Erling Haaland.

Erik Ten Hag: Ajax can still beat Juventus in Champions League  quarter-final | Football News | Sky Sports
Maybe I’m just into bald men?? WTF

You play a 4-3-3, which this team is begging to be given a proper shot at playing. I’m sold. Ten Hag is inexperienced enough to play loose and free, but has won enough to know what it takes. He could be our next Klopp. He should be our guy. The only issue with this, is it almost certainly means Ole stays until the end of the season, likely wasting away a precious year of Ronaldo bagging goals, and this team being a cohesive unit. Can you appoint a caretaker manager to take over for another caretaker manager while you wait for a real manager? Something to look into Woodward.

The Field

Honestly, it will probably be someone not on this list, and that pisses me off. I was never a real fan of Conte before the Spurs swiped him up, but he would be a better manager than Ole. I worried about Conte because he loves to play his wingbacks, which almost certainly spells demise for the likes of Sancho, Greenwood, Amad, Martial, and Rashford if they can’t adapt to a new role or become thoroughbred strikers. Even if they all can make the jump, you have like 7 players for 2 positions, and two of those players have over 1,150 combined goals in their career in Ronaldo and Cavani. I just hope the next manager, whoever it is sees this loaded squad and says “Yeah, I can work with this. I only need 1 or 2 more players.” instead of going through another painful rebuild at United.


About JR 58 Articles
A glimpse inside the mind of an over-reactionary, over-invested, and highly-sarcastic American Red Devil. P.S. I'm not here to argue.

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