In Memoriam of the Puppet Ed Woodward

You MUPPET! I can’t believe took the long to get your greedy hands out of this club. I am dancing on graves as today calls for a celebration of the highest order. Ed Woodward has resigned from his position as Executive Chairman (overpaid buffoon) of Manchester United. RIP CEO Ed Woodward (2005-2021).

Banker or Football Exec?

The answer is simple. Ed Woodward sucked at his job of Executive Chairman. I can’t say for sure how good of a banker he was, but I’m going to assume he did pretty well since he possesses all of the stereotypical characteristics: greed, avarice, selfishness, ruthlessness etc. If there is one thing Woodward did right in his professional career, its being a master con-artist. The man had no business running a football club, and just a few short years in, everyone could see why. Levering monumental debts, selling off lucrative shares, entering into the strangest sponsorship and marketing deals, and fucking up just about every single transfer window. I’ll admit it, there was a time I envied Ed Woodward. I can only dream to be as incompetent as him yet still hold a job that pays me millions of dollars a year.

Man Utd legend picks out 'perfect' man to take Woodward 'limelight'
Pictured: Ed Woodward and all of his supporters

Why Put Woodward Out to Pasture Now?

I mean, this is glaringly obvious as well. Woodward done fucked up too big this time. Why, you may be asking. Terrible sponsorships, under-recruitment of players, and poor league and European form are all excusable to the Glazer family, but one thing you cannot fuck up is the Glazers’ pockets. Woodward, and other execs/owners had this incredible idea to form a super league of sorts; let’s call it the European Super League for lack of creativity. This “Super League” would put all the most valuable clubs in the world in one league where they can pretty much do whatever they want. JP Morgan even backed it for ~$4,000,000,000. This League would be the greatest creation ever, except literally every single player, manager, and fan thought it was a shit idea.

Now that everyone who thought it was a terrible idea is now making their voice known and heard. Twitter has been on fire the past week with Luke Shaw, Marcus Rashford, Kevin DeBruyne, and even Pep Fraudiola speaking out against the idea. Who would’ve thought I agree with Pep on something? But I digress. When you have players and coaches of your team not supporting your idea, you fucked up. Now the European Super League is just about dead, and Woodward is left holding the bag. Tell me how good does it feel!

GLAZERS OUT! A Fan's Letter to the Board - "United, We Love You."

You’ll Be Missed Woodward…

SIKE! You suck Woodward and always will. This is a victory for every Manchester United fan out there, but just remember, we have won a battle, not the war. Never forget how the ownership completed a crippling LBO, used transfer funds to pay off interest obligations, cashed in on United stock, or continually sucked the club dry! The war is not over until the filthy fucking sewer rat Glazer family sells this club to someone more deserving. Ok that last sentence was harsh. It’s time to take a step back and reflect on my actions and words. I’d to apologize… to absolutely nobody!

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Green and Gold Until the Club is Sold

GGMU,

Jordin

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About JR 36 Articles
A glimpse inside the mind of an over-reactionary, over-invested, and highly-sarcastic American Red Devil. P.S. I'm not here to argue.

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