I’m furious. I’m seeing red. My vision is clouded by rage. What did I just watch? I feel physically ill.
Like many of you, I woke up yesterday morning furiously refreshing twitter checking for a certain three word phrase from an Italian Reporter. The bad part is, they came. United knows how to keep me invested. Just before the start of the game, Farbizio gave United fans the news of two proposed signings – Alex Telles from Porto, and Edinson Cavani from his couch. I was happy.
Happiness? lol jk
At the first whistle, my joy turned to near-euphoria. Martial won a penalty roughly 30 seconds into the game and Bruno dispatched it calmly to Lloris’ left hand side. As you are all too well aware, the good times didn’t last very long. It only took a short few minutes for our resident Slabhead to forget what we spent 80 MILLION POUNDS for.
As a casual video game fan, I always wonder why our player ratings are so abysmal during every iteration of FIFA. It now all makes sense; the grounds crew laces the turf with Kryptonite before every game we play. Harry Maguire, who’s head is fucking massive, seems to have forgotten his head is fucking massive whenever he puts on a United shirt. With the ball pin-balling around our own box, that “header” back to DDG from our “Captain” was nothing short of pathetic. He let Ndombele score. Tanguy Ndombele. Let that sink in.
It wasn’t over. If i’m subjugating myself through this pain, I’m dragging my readers through it too. Next, we had a quickly taken free kick from Harry Kane to lead Son in pretty much untouched – Bailly backed off the challenge to escape an almost certain red should he have brought down Son in the box and he slotted past DDG easily. 2-1 Tottenham before 10 minutes in. For some reason, I was still blindly optimistic for some reason we could come back. That ended real quick.
Send Anthony Taylor to the Gulags
Sure the United defense looked rocky, but what else is new? The game was open, and it felt poised for a multiple goal thriller in which United would right the ship and expose Lloris’ poor decision making, like he had a few dark ales and got behind the wheel. I haven’t been more wrong in my life. Anthony Taylor, a bald man from just outside Manchester, inexplicably made the worst call of his life to date (don’t fact check me) as a Premier League referee.
United conceded a corner and the Slimy Argentine, f/k/a Eric Lamela, threw an elbow fit for a UFC match right into Tony Martial’s chin. Lamela should never be allowed to play professional soccer again, let alone hold a work visa in England. Tony, because he’s a savage, was able to withstand that near decapitation and gave Lamela a pat on the cheek. There was no malicious intent behind it; he was simply trying to kill a mosquito that landed on Lamela’s face. Tony should be praised for his thoughtfulness but instead was reprimanded and shown a straight red. What an egregious call. Thats a yellow at best for Martial because the mosquito is still alive terrorizing the good people of the Greater Manchester area. Lamela should be sentenced to a maximum security prison for assault with a deadly weapon. Anthony Taylor should spend the rest of his days in a Russian Gulag.
A Word on NBCLFC
NBC needs to figure it out. First, they need to figure out where these games are taking place and stick to it. I can’t afford any more premium subscriptions. Second, they need to un-brainwash every member of the match day commentator and analyst crew. Arlo White, Lee Dixon, and Graeme Le Saux meet in secret every week to describe how they can slander United and praise every other club in the league simultaneously in the same broadcast. Furthermore, even one of our own (Tim Howard) joined in on the hate-speech. Despicable.
Even More Sadness
After the red card was shown, the game was neutered. What malarkey. Like many of you, I wish a fast forward button existed. McTominay and Fred came on at halftime, and I guess the only redeeming quality is that we only gave up 2 goals in the last 45 minutes. A lot of goals happened, but since I care about mental health awareness, I am not going into detail about them. Yesterday was a nightmare, even Freddy Krueger couldn’t top. I am deleting this game from my memory, and you should too. Fire this game into the Sun and hope it never returns.
Eddy, do something useful for once and sign a center-half .
P.S. I had a gem in my drafts, but Anthony Taylor had to go and ruin that. Until we meet again, Jozay Mourinho.
We need more comedic/clean reviews like this. This was an awesome recap