Every once in a while, an unspeakable good happens to a large group of people. Usually this is referred to as “the stars aligning,” which is profound in both theory and application. Let’s be honest. The stars aligning only occur as an “accidental” mishap that SOMETIMES makes me think there is a supreme being overseeing this galaxy that’s not named Cristiano Ronaldo. The matter of the fact is that Ronaldo rejoining United is an extremely rare occurrence.
A Deep Conspiracy
This window was nothing short an anomaly. Sancho and Varane would have been a good window, but for some god-forsaken reason the Glazers and co went out and did the unthinkable. In the waning hours of the transfer window, United “hijacked” a deal from City to bring Ronaldo back to the Premier League. Insane scenes all over the world, and especially in Manchester. As the euphoria subsided, I began to notice something. It became all too clear before soon. Ronaldo was not signed because the Glazer’s and Woodward wanted to improve the team, Ronaldo was signed because he is a a walking dollar sign.
Think about it. There are two things that are constantly stressed in all of the earnings calls. Total revenue, and social media impressions. Guess what signing Ronaldo does? Yup, exactly. Ronaldo surpassed shirt deals in fewer hours than it takes me to fly to Manchester. You thought games would be sold out regardless? Yea, you’re probably right, but now tickets prices are gonna go up to see CR7 SIUUUUUU all over Shitty’s face. You thought Manchester United posted often already? Get ready to see all-exclusive access from their social media teams of Ronaldo as he brushes his teeth, jogs to get a ball in training, or takes a piss in the training room bathrooms. Woodward is going to milk the shit out of Ronaldo joining, and guess what? I don’t give one flying fuck.
All Ronaldo, All the Time
Ronaldo will be across your screen more times in a day than you see your family. Business is business and I don’t care that this is some ploy for Glazers to turn a profit this season. This team is on the brink of becoming a Title-winning team, and I couldn’t be more excited. The night is darkest before the dawn. I put up with the Moyes and Van Gaal years so I can enjoy the Solskjaer and CR7 years. By signing Ronaldo, everyone wins. The team is better, the Glazers are printing money, and I get to watch the greatest player ever live in April, thanks to John and Alex. Every once in a while, all the stars align, and I am grateful.