Different Ways To Cope Without United this Holiday Season

First and foremost I would like to say this; fuck Covid-19. No matter where you stand on the spectrum, I think you can agree this virus is a serious vibe killer. Most times, I wonder if I have even done anything noteworthy since January 2020. On the surface, the answer is yes, but there has always been something missing. United managed to fill a void in my life for so many years, and not even coal is a worst present than United not playing around this weekend. I spent hours scouring and searching the internet for the ultimate, definitive list to coping without United playing on boxing day.

1. Break Up With Your Girlfriend

The truth hurts. You love United more than her. There is no amount of “what are we” talks that even come close to as painful as having to watch United lose 5-0 at home to the Scousers. You might as well cut your losses and embrace the seasonal depression that spans from mid August- late May every year as a United fan. You don’t do the dishes when she asks, she isn’t a professional soccer player. She wants you to talk about the your future together, you want her to volley a cross into the top corner. Some things just aren’t made to be.

2. Aggressively Challenge Younger Cousins to FIFA at Christmas

They simply just cant handle you on the sticks. Domestic, or international, you are a living legend in the game. No matter what they try, they simply cant keep up with you “tiki taka.” before halftime, its already 3-0, and you show no signs of letting up. Before you know it, the final score is 10-0 and you are ferociously chanting “You can’t handle me” at your 15 year old cousin, who would much rather spend his time on tik tok looking at Addison Rae than play video games. He just doesn’t get it. You’re the champ and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

3. Go Out to Bars When Your Boys are Back Home

Applebee’s should’ve known they never even had a chance when you and your squad showed up. Those $5 LIT’s the bartender is about to cut you off on went straight to your hear, and now you’re crying uncontrollably to your friends. You made a mistake. Kelly was your everything, and I shouldn’t have broken up with her. You’re just going through a lot right now, so you text her back hoping she’ll understand.

4. Rewatch Old United Games

Perhaps the least aggressive suggestion, but most painful. The past is the past. There is no doubt the past brings us all happiness as United fans. The past reminds us of better times and fonder moments of our lives, but the most dangerous part is that they are fleeting memories. You can’t live in the past, so all you can hope is for the future. Maybe next week United will return, Kelly will unblock your number, and your cousin stops calling you “an unadjusted man-child.” Here’s to hoping at least.


About JR 63 Articles
A glimpse inside the mind of an over-reactionary, over-invested, and highly-sarcastic American Red Devil. P.S. I'm not here to argue.

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