A New Theory of What is Wrong with MUFC

In the fallout and aftermath of an embarrassing crash out of the Champions League and a dull draw against Oil Money FC, I have dipped the quill yet again. Inexplicably so, why is it that I subject myself through the pain and suffering that is writing about Manchester United? I’m sure a detailed psychoanalysis would show a historical pattern of behaviors and actions that have made me mentally unstable; but fuck that. I am still here because I care.

I’ve often said what is happening weekly on the pitch is both impressive and infuriating at the same time. A true microcosm for United as a company. I love Manchester United, but something has to change. The fans can’t expect perfection, but this team on paper should be performing better, right? Are we headed in the right direction? Sure. Is Ole a decent manager, who probably deserves more time? Sure. Is Harry Maguire’s head fucking massive? Absolutely.

Who then, is to Blame?

This is the $4,000,000,000 dollar question. I know that you think that you know, that I know, that you think that I know where this is going, but it isn’t. Hope I didn’t lose you. The Glazer family and Woodward suck, but they are not culpable (in this blog). Ole Gunnar Solsjkaer couldn’t manage this team to 5 wins in a row in the PL, or qualify for the Round of 16, but he is not culpable (in this blog). Mino Raiola loves to create chaos and muddy the mind of his super-star player, but he is not culpable (in this blog). “Who then, JR? Oh most wise and wonderful one, who then is culpable?” Without further ado here is enemy of the state #1.

Harry Maguire | FollowFollow.com
Pre-pubescent Slabhead Maguire

Strip Him of His Captaincy

I have lost all faith in Harry Maguire as a leader and captain of Manchester United Football Club. It seemed a bit strange that once he signed for 80 million pounds (or sterling, if there’s a difference), Ole immediately appointed him captain. I forget who our captain was before then – likely some rotation of Paul Pogba, David De Gea, and a steaming pile of cow manure, but Harry is not fit for the job. For me, he has yet to prove he is big-game bred, and certainly not Captain of Manchester United worthy. I get tired of the same old post match press conferences from this loser. He repeats some combination of the following, “we weren’t ready for the start of the game,” “this loss is disappointing and the whole squad is mad,” and “we need to get together, and come back strong.” GIVE ME A BREAK SLABHEAD!

I have no clue what Slabhead does as captain of this team, but I’m telling you it isn’t enough. Sure, I’m an internet troll who is currently writing this from my parent’s basement, but believe me! I have no clue what the dressing room looks like before a match, but I’m assuming Ole is shouting tactics that MIGHT work, Mason Greenwood is DM’ing models in the area, Luke Shaw is stuffing his face with meat pies, and Slabhead is picking daisies out on the pitch. Slabhead just isn’t made for the lifestyle of Manchester United Captain. Sure he can be a starter, but more often than not this team comes out flat, I have no other choice but to believe our captain can’t motivate the team.

The Solution

Madrid and Barca look to Bruno Fernandes - BeSoccer
Bruno Bruno Bruno!

…He came from Sporting like Cristiano… Yep. The answer is really that simple. The past ~10 months have shown this team will go as far as Bruno takes them. He is our magnifico and our leader. I didn’t buy the insane hype at first, but his effect on the team is extraterrestrial. Have Bruno just yell for 10 minutes before each game at the team, and I GUARANTEE that is better than whatever Slabhead does. This game is results based, and Slabhead isn’t getting it done.

I only offer one piece of advice Ole: “Execute Order 66. Do what must be done.”

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About JR 34 Articles
A glimpse inside the mind of an over-reactionary, over-invested, and highly-sarcastic American Red Devil. P.S. I'm not here to argue.

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