An Alternate Universe Without the Glazers

I am only 4 articles into my time here as a member of the American Red Devil family. Before that, I hid in the shadows, watching and reading Manchester United from afar.

My career as a blogger (unadjusted internet troll living in my parents’ basement) has only just begun. Whatever fan base I have grown in this short period will undeniably and irrevocably jump ship after this blog. I don’t care, give me all the smoke.

Get a New Manager

south park aand it's gone - My fanbase interested in the blog AAAND ITS GONE
Don’t worry, I hate myself too for writing this blog.

Close your eyes. The day is January 1, 2021. I’m depressed. Why, you might ask. Is the hangover from NYE really that bad? No, United are currently 10th in the league, Bailly is injured yet again, Facundo Pellistri is starting games, Cavani is paid to take up space in those expensive racing seats, and the Impossible Meat Pie is still starting over our shiny new Brazilian left back. Do me a favor; go to that dark place the lowest of the low. Doesn’t seem extremely unrealistic, huh? Now you’re in the mud with me, let me pose this question: Is Ole still at the wheel?

All too often, we seem outdone on the pitch by our opposition. Is it really the starting XI’s fault that’s arguably worth more than $1B? Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me. You fool me, you can’t get fooled again. Ole was a great player and perhaps a greater man, but as a manager, he has left something to be desired.

You may think I’m Ole out, but I’m actually the opposite; put him in a role that more suits his qualities. Ole’s still at the wheel, but just a different ship in the fleet. He should be our new Director of Football. Ole has a shrewd mind when it comes to the transfer market; he knows the perfect mixture that is needed for elongated and sustained success. The Galacticos (Sancho) should be supplemented with the cost-conscious buys (Gabriel), and all chased with a steady diet of exciting upcoming youth players. Ole has proved he knows what goes into team chemistry for a proper Manchester United side in his past 3 transfer windows.

Woodward is Useful?

Oh, you’re still here? You faithful few will be rewarded for your heroic efforts. Don’t get me wrong; Ed Woodward is a muppet, and he is a puppet, but he is also a businessman with an impressive CV. Eddy has been affiliated with the club since 2005, which means he has been along for the ride since the Glazer family just began ruining the club.

A former investment banker as CEO begins to makes more sense when that is their only role in the club. Woodward, despite a horrendous track-record in literally every single transfer market, has done well on the business side. A quick look at the financial history shows MUFC has the ability to grow revenues exponentially. This is my blog, so we are not talking about the massive debts the club owes. Is it really Woodward’s fault that his boss, the OWNERS, use the club as a personal ATM machine? Maybe he isn’t a robot, and instead he is a well-adjusted human who secretly hates his bosses just like everyone else.

Imagine a future without the Glazer’s, and where Eddy is slinging new commercial and marketing deals left and right while a rowdy 75,000 are chanting in the newly minted Maui Jim StadiumTM. This is not the future you want, but the future you need.

Get a New Owner

Mackenzie, please answer my dm!

Congratulations, you’ve made to the end of my blog without throwing your phone off the nearest bridge. You are eligible to claim your prize by sending your name and one reason you hate the current ownership to the following address:

Manchester United Football Club Limited c/o Ed Woodward|Sir Matt Busby Way, Old Trafford |Manchester, England M-16 0RA

P.S. Its shocking that Glazer doesn’t have one real friend. He is a billionaire and has a rat tail for hair. Clean it up, you are a disgusting human being.

About JR 58 Articles
A glimpse inside the mind of an over-reactionary, over-invested, and highly-sarcastic American Red Devil. P.S. I'm not here to argue.

2 Trackbacks / Pingbacks

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